the thief

what a shame it is, i thought to myself

as i watched other people die out

the passion that they had, now gone

because comparison came and ate their flame

had they only seen what i saw in them, i said

they were almost there, they almost saw the end

until they saw the people who were already there

the people who already peaked

the people who had their dreams in their hands

but your dream was so close, you were right on the verge

you could not see it

but i could

still you let it die

along with your heart

your passion, dreams, and victory, you let them all part

how could you do this? i said again

are you just going to let the enemy win?

but while i was watching you, rise then fall from your dreams

i forgot about myself while comparing to you

and

i let go of my thoughts

i let go of my dreams

i unraveled at the seams

i 've forgotten how to be me

BREATHER

you took a little piece of me

i bet you've forgotten you have it

tucked away in a book with a dog-eared page

that piece of my heart sat

but then you packed all your books away

you sealed the top tight

away went that piece of my heart

yet i stayed quiet

i figured out i dont need that piece

to be whole is to give it all away

yet hope some day you'll lend me that book

so that i can see you still kept it

that little piece of my heart

that i'll never forget





here's some random poetry i wrote on the spot about some random heart feelings. i took a breather! (if you hadn't already noticed my absence) i was quite overwhelmed with life for a few months! i hope you'll forgive me and understand. lots of crazy good and just plain crazy things happening in life right now! i got accepted to COLLEGE! Whaaa?! I graduate highschool in three months!! Super crazy, guys. I've also been working on my first NOVEL. My eldest brother moved out. There is so much going on y'all! i have much love for you guys! i'm back on the blogtrain. (choo choo!) exciting news coming soon! stay tuned.

-jr

he holds me

i woke up with voices in my head

telling me to go back to sleep

telling me i wasn't worth the fight

telling me i was falling to pieces

'you're never going to be any better than you are now' they said

'you're too far gone for Him to make anything out of you' they said 

but when i figured out 

that they were just voices in my head 

i heard you said 

'i have you in the palms of My hands' 

unplanned roads

To sit here and type out the words "I'm great!" in a tiny chat box and hit the blue arrow to make you think I was just dandy would be just as much as a lie as to say I'm a millionaire. 

To tell you my life was more clear than than crystal and I know exactly what I'm doing would cause me to be a very bad liar. 

The truth is my dear readers:

My life is completely and utterly foggy. 

There's nothing terribly wrong with me, I'm not going through a life crisis. I have a wonderful family and friends, I'm getting ready to embark on a new adventure (moving!) and God is still my king.

But honestly, I can't see one day in front of today. 

I can't see myself tomorrow, acing my science test. 

I can't see myself a week from now, perfectly preforming my dance routine

I can't see myself a month from now, packing my life into brown paper boxes

I can't see my self in the next years, growing older and chasing dreams my dreams.

I try to fathom it and it seem so far away that I can hardly handle thinking about the next five minutes, and I get afraid that worried so much about the future that I am slowly tick-ticking away my present. 

My dears I think as we grow older we come to a point in time where we feel the pressure pushing hard on us from our family, friends, and society that we have to have a "5 year plan of success" after high school and we have to know where we're going to be. They expect us to have a map of our life and to know just exactly what we'll be doing. 

We get so caught with pushing ourselves further and further forward and planning the next moments that we forgot to cherish the journey here. We forgot that our own plans could turn upside down in a single moment.

"Come now, you who say, 'Today or tomorrow we will go into such and such a town and spend a year there and trade and make a profit'- yet you do not know what tomorrow will bring. What is your life? For you are a mist that appears for a little time and then vanishes. Instead you ought to say, “If the Lord wills, we will live and do this or that.” -James 14:13-15 ESV

I'm not saying don't have dreams and don't chase them. I'm not saying don't plan a little bit. Our lives would be even more a disaster if we didn't plan for daily life. But instead of planning for the life you're going to live when you reach your goal,and spending your life planning the next moments, live your life now, and on the journey to where you're going! Live in the current moments instead of trying to control what happens next.

---

 Today may be the very last day you ever draw a breathe. 

Did you take the time to tell everyone that you loved them and did you enjoy the simplistic moments?

Did you take even a moment to acknowledge that your Creator, who is so in love with you, wants to be by your side every minute of every hour and created all the earths and the heavens simply for you to exist and see the splendor of them out of his love? 

Did you see the moments and live in them as they passed you by? Or did you let them go holding on to a moment that has yet to exists?

I am trying to learn to live more simply, and stop worrying about my days and count my breath each as a blessing. 

Live in the moments around and see the beauty god has hidden for you to find. There is great love all around you, and blessing for those who look for them. 

'How rare, and beautiful, it is to even exist'

See the love my friends, and grasp it,

-JacyRayn

seasons of change

change, changing, changed.

A junior in high school and those three simple words in different forms still seem foreign.

They crawl around the back of my mind, pulling on the what ifs. 

I push off the thoughts and cling to what I know, but I know that the change, the impact, is coming for me. 

"I don't want to move to Georgia"

"I don't want to quit dance"

"I'm not ready to grow up and have relationships"

"I don't want to leave my friends"

All this change, these possible life moments and unknowns looming around my conscious.

When did I tie my own wings to the ground and say I wasn't allowed to fly further than the leash I put around my own neck?

Fearful of the grass I can't see because I limited myself to a four by four patch.

I put up a wall around my heart, my 'comfort zone' wall. It's filled with the same places, faces, and smells. It hardly ever changes and if there's a bump, I jump over it and keep going.

When I reach the wall I silently note, 'no need to go further, JacyRayn, you are doing just fine right here'.

So I don't.

I stay right there in the same place around the same people in the same places.

---

What I never noted though, was with this exile of change in my life, my heart grows cold and numb. It can no longer help the new people who need the warmth and love of Jesus to fill their holes to the very brim. The wall does not allow for me to overflow on to bare soil and wait for the new to grow.

When you limit yourself to the same grass, it stops growing eventually, and withers.

"There is a time for everything,
    and a season for every activity under the heavens:
    a time to be born and a time to die,
    a time to plant and a time to uproot,
    a time to kill and a time to heal,
    a time to tear down and a time to build,
    a time to weep and a time to laugh,
    a time to mourn and a time to dance,
    a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
    a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
    a time to search and a time to give up,
    a time to keep and a time to throw away,
    a time to tear and a time to mend,
    a time to be silent and a time to speak,
    a time to love and a time to hate,
    a time for war and a time for peace.

He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end. "  

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8;11

There's a reason that the farmer moves his cows and horses from one field to another.

It's not because he wants them to be shocked by the change of atmosphere or because he just feels that they got too comfortable in the other one; it's because he's taking care of them and wants them to be well fed. He cares about their well being! 

God does not bring change out of hate or 'because He feels like it', He does it out of love, my friends. 

I am learning that while change can be unnerving and reckless, when you take yourself off the lead rope you receive freedom. Freedom comes with responsibilities, but wouldn't you rather be free to experience life from every point aside from just one? 

Keep your love, amigos.

-jr xx

i am not my sin

---

days and days and days go by.

they pass me up

like i'm sitting still

like i'm running out of time

the curtains in my room stay closed

just like the ones around my heart

but don't tell me that, for i'm afraid of the dark 

it crept in without me knowing

now you know, it's showing

it breaks through these walls

i'm afraid i can no longer stand tall

it still feels like i'm being consumed 

oh why does it have to loom 

all these people lean on me 

for they think that i can see

when really i'm no better than them

trapped alone in my sin 

but yesterday 

---

but eighteen yesterdays ago

i decided to open up the window

as soon as i did the breeze came through

and in it i felt you

i felt you surround me in grace

the darkness couldn't stay in place

it fled my heart that fell apart

you picked it up and healed the spark

tended to my open wounds

covered up the unexcused 

---

so now you see these days go by

but i'm not running out of time

the curtains stay open

the light comes in

i am not my sin 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Hello to all my beautiful people! I promise a real post is coming soon. This is just one of those random things that you don't really want to post but end up posting anyway. If you've forgotten, here's your reminder that YOU ARE NOT WHAT YOU'VE DONE! You are worth it and you are going to get through today, not just tomorrow. You can live today instead of hoping for a better tomorrow! Today is the day to open up the window and let the light in. Don't collect dust and darkness, my friends. I hope you drew something from this random poetry.

-JacyRayn xx

the veil is torn

I feel like I've been holding out for something.

It's like I've been giving the okay to fly but someone hasn't cut the rope off my wings.

I'm so close to the top of the mountain but I can't seem to take the last steps.

***

These past few days I've really been struggling with self-doubt, majorly. I feel like that my whole life is on the backburner to everyone. I'm screaming and cheering my hardest for the team but they're only paying attention to the other fans, who in my eyes aren't even trying as hard as I am. I know that sounds conceited but it's just how my heart has felt.

I feel...left out
.

I feel like I'm in a dry, desolate wasteland and I'm just begging for God to pour out a river.

But in my struggle, I read some words that even though was just a drop of water, eased my longing soul.

"...Whenever we go through a dark time, we tend to focus more on the problem we're facing instead of the God we're following. When this happens, we risk missing the blessing God has planned for us on the other side of a trial..."

Oh how quickly I do this!

Oh, how fickle my heart is, how weak and weary it is. So fast I turn and fall to my knees at the sight of my problems and unanswered questions. My thoughts wander to how imperfect I am, to how I could be doing so much more but I'm not. How I could be better than my flesh but I still fight the same difficulties over and over.

My soul is restless.

"Come to me, all who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest."  Matthew 11:28

In my restlessness, there is peace.

If you've ever thought about a seed when it grows, it starts out covered by dirt, under pressure, in darkness.

Alone, in a shell too small, feeling for something more than the quiet dark, that consumes thoughts.

Longing for the sunshine, about to crack.

Aren't we the same way?

My dear friends, I have forgotten that even though I know there is sunshine and warmth on the other side of the cold dirt, I have been consumed by my own selfish problems.

I have forgotten that God is a mercy God, He is my Abba, and I am His child no matter what comes against me!

So in my self-doubt, I have realized two simple things.

I am not good enough.

I will never be good enough. I will never be strong enough to carry my own problems. I will never have the ability to walk life with joy by myself.

God is good enough.

Jesus died for us. We are not good enough but He was the perfect exchange. His blameless life for my dirty, torn one. He wants my restless soul. He wants to wrap me in His arms and hold me and give me peace. He holds His hand out, patiently waiting for us to grab it when we take the veil off of our face and stop hiding behind our imperfection, and let him clean our face.

I tell you, Jesus tore the veil.

His last dying breath on Earth was the one the gave His spirit back up and tore the temple veil.

It shook the land and split the rocks.

It wasn't pretty.

So when you allow God to tear your veil, it's not always going to be easy or smooth.

But when the mask is gone, when our veil is torn, we are one with Jesus.

We open the opportunity for him to heal our broken piece, to crack our too-tight shell.

He can start to uncover the dirt and let the light shine through.

We can finally grow and receive peace.

In this, I urge you to ask God to tear your veil, and crack your shell.

You can receive peace.

with love,

JR xx 

RUN THE RACE - ABBIE GUEST POST

  Hi my dear readers!

Today on the blog I have one of my favorite blogging friends and a extremely talented writer, musician, fairy squad mother, and basically the queen of multi-talents, give it up for Abbie!

Thank you again for making this possible Abbs!

If you're not already following her, drop everything and go do it. Then you may come back.

I'm so delighted that she agreed to post for me this month! She's about to blow your mind.

Grab your juice box and notepad, kids. Abbie is the real deal.

* * *

THE BIGGEST OF SHOUTOUTS TO JACYRAYN HERE. Let’s give her a round of applause and some waffles. I am so incredibly honored to be taking over Loud And Clear today and sharing some thoughts that have been weighing heavy on my heart lately. :’) Thank you, JacyRayn, for inviting me and being one of the coolest people/bros/Switchfoot groms I know. And thank you, fabulous reader, for casting your eyes upon this post! Muchas hugs and waffles. <3

* * *

I once heard someone say that the air is thin at the summit of Mount Everest. They said that if you were to hike to the very top, you would be struggling to inhale and exhale. It would be like breathing through a straw while running on a treadmill. And something twisted inside of me and I thought, “Man. That must be painful.”

Breathing.

Through a straw.

While running on a treadmill.

When I think about the people who are doing my job better than I am, I feel an aching desire somewhere deep inside of me to do that job better. Just as good as they do it. Better than they do it. I want to be the best. I want to be flawless. I want to be perfect.

So I try to work harder, faster, and with more efficiency. I write more notes, I skim more words, I eat at my desk, I think, “I can squeeze one more hour of work in today.”

Maybe I’ll succeed, for a little while. Maybe I’ll be running a victory lap, maybe I’ll be biting my gold medals, maybe I’ll be singing my national anthem. But then I’ll go back and watch the tape, and see how I fell short of the finish line.

I didn’t quite make it.

I didn’t win.

I’m not a champion.

Because I’m not perfect.

I watch the others run for the gold medal and something twists inside of me and I think, “Man. That must be painful.”

Dancing around in the winner’s circle isn’t painful.

Disqualifying yourself for no reason is.

You should be perfect, says the judge in my head. She slams her gavel and shrugs her shoulders and says it like it is. You should be perfect.

But I’m not.

I’ve tried to be.

I’ve failed to be.

I’ve torn up the insides of my mind with a tornado of should haves and could haves.

I’ve witnessed the wreckage.

Crying.

Fighting.

Flying.

Repeating.

Breathing.

Through a straw.

While running on a treadmill.

But that judge in my mind is just an imposter. She’s there to blind me and brainwash my jury of self-depreciating thoughts. She’s there to white-out the evidence more obvious than the sun in the sky:

I am perfect.

But not because I crossed the finish line.

I am perfect because there’s a force living inside of me. The remnants of a supernova. A nursery of new stars and nebulae. A place where explosions will happen. A place where galaxies will be born. A place that a telescope will take its aim at one day, snap a picture, and leave scientists in their tiny universities slack-jawed with amazement.

I am not perfect because of what I do.

I am perfect because of who I am.

That’s the kind of perfection God writes poems about, late at night, when you’re asleep.

Because he can’t wait for you to wake up.

To open your eyes.

To breathe in the new day.

To run a race.

A race with no finish line.

* * *

Guys, let us all acknowledge how Abbie just slammed my heart.

I hope you felt as moved by that as I did.

If you did, leave a comment supporting her and go check out her blog!

I still can't thank you enough for taking over the mic (and the dropping it) today!

Readers, lets hear what you think!

mucho amor,

JacyRayn xx

P.S. What do you guys think about me making more headers for post like the one above?!

Let me know!

things are closer than they appear

--------------------------------

I looked into the rear-view mirror of my brother's beat up cavalier.

"objects in mirror are closer than they appear"

That seemed all too real to me.

Let me rewind a bit.

My baby sister was outside with all my brothers just playing and laughing like normal on the sunny day.
They had just gotten out of the pool and were air drying by running around with my grandma's 8-year-old dog who is still, despite his growing age, rambunctious.

Only moments later in the picture-esq scene did things go awry.

In a flash he jumped up in anger and bit my helpless sister.
His teeth ripped a hole in the side of her face and claw marks on her once perfectly plump cheeks.

Before I write more, Aliyah is okay and just as sassy as ever.

My uncle and grandma ran outside in haste and rushed her to the ER.
Soon after giving her some medicine, they sent her on to a bigger hospital to have surgery.

Two-years of age and she has to have stitches all over the right side of her face and her forehead.

Why her?

After pacing the floor nearly all day, that evening I finally get the call that she made it through
surgery well and they expect a fully recovery. 

I felt like I could finally breathe again and I wasn't carrying as heavy a load on my back.
My heart ached to hold my little being close to my chest and not let go.
Just the night before she had kissed me on my forehead and told me she loved me for the first time. 

Yet still, I felt like a piece of my soul was not intact.

The one little thing that completely altered my whole day, my whole life, snapped something in me. It brought out emotions I didn't even know could be felt. I wasn't aware that someone so tiny could  have such a tremendous influence on my feelings. But after all this was over and she was home snuggling me to death, something still didn't sit right. I felt like I was still missing a piece of information, like I wasn't told the whole story.

And then, I had a relization that changed my whole mind set.

"my whole life is closer than appears"

Right there.

I had an anomaly that my whole world was only held up by one small finger and could be blown away in a single breathe.

In the bat of an eyelash my whole life could be eternally changed for the better or for the worse.

So what did I get from this?

That my life is much closer than it seems.

Too often I find myself waiting around for life to happen or pushing off spur of the moment ideas.

I want to jump in the freeing pool of unknown and know that I am alive and that I am breathing.

I want to feel the blazing sun against my cheeks to feel the light in my bones.

Life is short, I want to live it well.

I'm not gonna play it safe any more.

Mediocrity has come and I have decided to show it the door, for the King is coming and He's calling for the ones who will do something extraordinary.

Do you ever just get tired of being who you are? Don't you feel like you could do more?

Maybe that's too much for you.

But Jesus didn't say to take it slow and safe.

--------------------------------

That being said, new things are coming! Keep an eye out for a very important post on Saturday!

Much love for you people,

JacyRayn xx

falling up

Every time my eyes hit the clear-blue water, I saw little kids running and splashing in the shallows. Yet almost all of them while being watched with a steady, careful eye of an adult were wearing life vests & floaties. So why, I ask, if we're in the shallowest part of the pool and you're watching, would they need a floatie?

As a safety-net, popped in my head.

So that if you happened to be distracted for a but a millisecond too long and couldn't see your beloved fall down fast enough to pick them up, they would bob right back up to the top of the water, disoriented, but unharmed. 

And that's exactly what I think is wrong.

We are so afraid to fall that we surround ourselves so nothing can go wrong.

We build our castle tall, complete with a unbreakable fortress and equipped with an army, but we forget who we serve.

You see, we serve a God who breaks unbreakable walls down. The one who wants us to trust Him so much that He is willing to crumble everything around just so we have nothing left but to trust.

We say it's not trust we lack, no, it's the world that's a harsh and bitter place, we're only protecting ourselves. 

We weave the net of safety around ourselves. If we happen to fall, we fall into our what seemed perfect, but always unfinished net. Instead of falling in the arms of the Almighty and letting Him stand us up, we struggle to get out of the holes we thought we filled in our net that we oh-so-selfishly weaved.

But maybe this is too real for you; maybe I'm reckless and naive. 

Maybe you say that you wanna trust fully but you aren't quite ready.

I thought I was strong by myself and God made me stronger.

But then, I fell. 

I fell into that net like I had so many times before. It only caused me to struggle. I said "God. why, if you love me so much would you let me fall and not catch me!?"

I didn't realize that I had only stopped Him from catching me.

I wove the net and thought that I was strong enough to push myself back.

When I finally got out, I had a fleeting thought. It happened to be there just long enough for me to grasp it; "What if I fell into God?"

What if I laid myself down and fell not down, but up? 

What if I made myself so vulnerable and raw that I didn't weave the net?

I didn't go about stringing the ropes together and leaving holes.

I didn't have assurance that if I fell I would have a plan B.

So that's what I did. I put certainty in knowing that my God loves me enough to lift up His hand and catch me.

Time came around, and I fell again.

But this time was different. 

Somehow I knew that it was okay to fall because when I landed, it wasn't a struggle to get up. 

It wasn't graceful but I could feel the grace.

I didn't want to fall but I realized that it made my trust in God stronger and it opened up the door for me to help other people believe more.

Psalm 37:23-24 

"The LORD directs the steps of the godly. He delights in every detail of their lives. Though they stumble, they will never fall, for the LORD holds them by the hand."

All you have to do is trust.

In a world that's so easy to fall into, trust in God. 

It's not easy, but it's freeing.

These are strong words, but they come with much love,

jr

P.S. What do you guys think of a Q & A? If you're for it, leave some questions below! 

The Way-Maker

There tend to be a lot of different names for God; YHWH (Yahweh), Jehovah Jireh, Abba, and tons more. But the one that I've come to use most frequently? Way-Maker.

 A small while ago I sat on the edge of my grandmother's bed and cried. I felt like I had hit rock bottom finally. Afraid that my dreams would never come true and that everything that I'm after, is well, pointless. All the years of dreaming to be a great musician and producer just felt worthless.

My phone lit up and buzzed with an email from a random company. In that moment I saw my lock screen.

"When my heart is overwhelmed lead me to The Rock that is higher than I."-Psalms 61:2

That gave me life. I knew I had to make a choice. I'm standing on the split of the path and there's two ways. Take God's hand and let Him lead and make my path, or wander in the wilderness, on my own.

Needless to say I grabbed the hand that's always there waiting for me to take hold and held on tight.

Sometimes I feel like I get so caught up in trying to feel accepted by the people around me and trying to map my life out like everyone tells me too. But I had forgotten the simple words God told me; "you aren't anything like everybody else."

And it's true. It comes at a price. My small circles feel smaller everyday but my flame still stays ablaze. I feel like I'm in a season of waiting. *cue Colony House *` I'm waiting on my time to come, quite literally. But I think we all go through the times when we have less friends. I think it makes us more dependent on God than running to our friends around us looking for all the answers or searching for adequate solutions for problems in the world than leaning on God.

 Instead of looking around us, we look up.

We look up to the Rock that is higher than all of us.

That's what I want my everyday life to be. I want to look up instead of looking around. I want to be totally surrendered and defenseless by myself. So unsustainable by myself that I realize that every breathe I take is a gift. It's really easy to crave acceptance from the people around you and to be able to say you know exactly where you're going. But to love God is to live a reckless life. One that only looks at today and not tomorrow and that is not self-sufficient.

So now I'm not worried about my music career. I'm not worried about my blog. My main focus is to keep my heart humble and to realize just how real Jesus is around me in the sunshine on my face and the wind against my arms in these summer days. With or without lots of friends, with or without a plan, I'm a child of God, and the Father always has a plan even if I can't see it.

He will make a way. 

After all, He is The Way-Maker.

Take time and enjoy the sun and the moon and the stars. Fill your lungs with the sweet summer smell of blooming flowers and cut grass. Walk barefoot and jump in lakes. Love everyone, especially the ones who don't deserve it. Stand tall and don't worry because at the end of the day, He holds you in His hand. 

Let's shout His name Loud and Clear from the rooftops.

With much love,

JR

they will know you by your love 

Where to start?
There's no good place.


      My heart goes out to the people in Orlando today. I stayed up after the Tony awards last night and watched the news and my heart broke in two. After covering the story of the mass shooting there was an additional 3 more shootings right down the road from my home town and people jumping off bridges and drowning. Where is the humanity? Have we gotten so cold that it's okay to take lives without even considering the other person?

      I asked my mom very quietly, "Why do these people do these things? I hate seeing this."
She had no words. And quite frankly, I don't think any of us have any that are sufficient enough to put a reason to the lack of love.
 

  Whether you support LGBTQ or not, I don't think this is relevant. We have to look past this. We are supposed to love everyone. Jesus didn't pick and choose who He loved, he said come as you are and will love you and forgive you! If they choose to stay in sin, that's their choice and you can't change it, but they are human and flesh just like us. They have families just like us. They have feelings just like us. So instead of just being sad about it, let's take action.

       Let's take our love for Christ and love for people outside of the church and the four walls we live in. If you only love those who love you what good are you doing? Instead of the stuck up religion most people see let's show them LOVE. Let's show them COMPASSION. Let's show them above all, HOPE. If we show them how much we love them and that we aren't self-centered around ourselves and just other Christians, maybe they'll think, "Hey, they have something different, something special. They actually care. I want to know why."

It shouldn't take the largest mass shooting into the history of the U.S. to make people want to pray for the nation and it's people. We should be praying for all the unsaved people in the world everyday. 

       So when you're praying for the families of the victims and for the injured, pray that their would be people around them that would show them true, genuine love. The kind that's raw and reckless and loves without fault and forgives.
We are all human and God says that all sin is equal. We are none more special than another. All made from dust in the ground and to dust we will all return. I hope this inspires you to pray differently and diligently for Orlando, and even more so our country and the world.

We won't stop until the whole world hears.

So let's shout His name from the rooftops together Loud and Clear.

Mucho amor,

+JR+