the thief

what a shame it is, i thought to myself

as i watched other people die out

the passion that they had, now gone

because comparison came and ate their flame

had they only seen what i saw in them, i said

they were almost there, they almost saw the end

until they saw the people who were already there

the people who already peaked

the people who had their dreams in their hands

but your dream was so close, you were right on the verge

you could not see it

but i could

still you let it die

along with your heart

your passion, dreams, and victory, you let them all part

how could you do this? i said again

are you just going to let the enemy win?

but while i was watching you, rise then fall from your dreams

i forgot about myself while comparing to you

and

i let go of my thoughts

i let go of my dreams

i unraveled at the seams

i 've forgotten how to be me

BREATHER

you took a little piece of me

i bet you've forgotten you have it

tucked away in a book with a dog-eared page

that piece of my heart sat

but then you packed all your books away

you sealed the top tight

away went that piece of my heart

yet i stayed quiet

i figured out i dont need that piece

to be whole is to give it all away

yet hope some day you'll lend me that book

so that i can see you still kept it

that little piece of my heart

that i'll never forget





here's some random poetry i wrote on the spot about some random heart feelings. i took a breather! (if you hadn't already noticed my absence) i was quite overwhelmed with life for a few months! i hope you'll forgive me and understand. lots of crazy good and just plain crazy things happening in life right now! i got accepted to COLLEGE! Whaaa?! I graduate highschool in three months!! Super crazy, guys. I've also been working on my first NOVEL. My eldest brother moved out. There is so much going on y'all! i have much love for you guys! i'm back on the blogtrain. (choo choo!) exciting news coming soon! stay tuned.

-jr

simple smiles

guilty 

guilty of coveting the girl on my media 

her hair, her clothes, her smile

her quirky little captions and the places she goes

i throw myself into her cute shoes

pretend that her friends are mine and wonder what it'd be like to be her

to live a day in her seemingly picture perfect world

...

but then i wonder

how many girls

look at me

and say the same things?

do we have an unending circle

of wanting to be each other?

what if we learned to love our own lives?

the off-camera moments of

the loud car rides

the undocumented laughter and love

do we take those moments for granted

just because they're not cropped and edited?

we plaster ourselves with a 'melancholy' label

because we didn't go see that band

or capture the right angle

but the truth is: life is messy

your life deserves to be enjoyed

not filtered

take pictures

but take them of sunsets going 80 down the freeway

of yourself, laughing over a stupid joke

 of your friends and your family

so what if your life is simple?

it's simply beautiful

no one except you gets to experience your life

so turn off the screen

and smile a little wider

cut loose and dance

but most importantly

don't forget that you are the only you

and no one can take you away

----------------------------------------------------------

just some thoughts i've had on my mind! love you all! <3

-jacyrayn

scars

certain favors

specific words

voices

remind me of the list I keep

of those who have done me wrong

these things make me remember the pain

run my fingers along the scars

think of the times before they let me down

my flesh angers at the thought of the wound

i feel it well up inside

then Your hand grabbed mine

You looked me in the eye

And said "child, look at mine"

the scars on your hands

worse than my own

held every wrong

all of the shame

they reminded me of the marks

that I have put on other people

while I selfishly look at my own

you took all the blame

you remembered no more

the pain

the scars to show

life is not bruises cuts and past wrongs

it's forgiving and learning to grow

---------------------------------------------------------------

just some messy thoughts for you

-jr xx

overwhelmed

"And then through darkness, there came a light" 

Sometimes it's not certain place that break through happens. It doesn't have to be a church, a concert, or in a room full of people. 

Sometimes you're all alone. 

You've poured your heart out over and over again in the creases of the worn notebook and it's off-white paper; but you pick up the pen with the faded ink anyway, and you continue to write until your hand is numb. You cry out. 

And then, you're heard. 

No, not something audible you hear, but rather, your plea to God when the stress of overwhelming you, is more than just acknowledged, it's heard.  

It's not an 3-minute instant microwave miracle, but rather, a moment of peace. A single second where you feel as if something, someone, is wrapping their arms around you. 

You feel like you've come out on top of the waves for a solid minute and you can catch your breathe. 

The storm isn't over and the waters are still raging, but just that moment of peace, the one that comes the second you decide to wholly devote yourself to the Way-Maker, the Calmer of storms, can give you the strength you need to pick up and carry on. 

To conquer the waves you must first learn to stop fighting, and let God fight. Let yourself go in over your head. 

When you war with your own strength, you're destined to fail and choke. 

When you open up your fists, the ones that have been closed for so long you've forgotten what it feels like to be free, then it happens. 

You learn to let go. 

You learn to ride the waves, instead of trying to control them. 

You stop swimming against the water, but letting them carry you. 

My friends I am speaking to myself but also speaking to you. 

Open up your hands to the God of love, the God of peace, and the God who has plans for you. 

The storm may pick back up, but catch you breath and let go. For you only have each passing moment to make this life beautiful. It's too short to live with gritted-teeth and clenched-fists. 

Open up your heart, and find peace. 

I'm still sitting in my bedroom alone. 

I haven't had a grand revelation on how to solve my problems and conquer the doubt and fear, but I opened up my hands, and I let the worry go. 

The whole world doesn't know I caught my breath, and I definitely don't have it all together now. 

But I know to be true, that my God loves me, and He loves you. He wants good for you and everyone else. Hold fast to that.   

Let all you do be done in love,

jacyrayn xx

he holds me

i woke up with voices in my head

telling me to go back to sleep

telling me i wasn't worth the fight

telling me i was falling to pieces

'you're never going to be any better than you are now' they said

'you're too far gone for Him to make anything out of you' they said 

but when i figured out 

that they were just voices in my head 

i heard you said 

'i have you in the palms of My hands' 

catch your breath

"And then through darkness, there came a light" 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Sometimes it's not certain place that break through happens. It doesn't have to be a church, a concert, or in a room full of people. 

Sometimes you're all alone. 

You've poured your heart out over and over again in the creases of the worn notebook and it's off-white paper; but you pick up the pen with the faded ink anyway, and you continue to write until your hand is numb. You cry out. 

And then, you're heard. 

It's not an 3-minute instant microwave miracle, but rather, a moment of peace. 

You feel like you've come out on top of the waves for a solid minute and you can catch your breathe. 

The storm isn't over and the waters are still raging but just that moment of peace, the one that comes the second you decide to wholly devote yourself to the Way-Maker, the Calmer of storms, can give you the strength you need to pick up and carry on. 

To conquer the waves you must first learn to stop fighting and let God fight. Let yourself go in over your head. 

When you war with your own strength, you're destined to fail and choke. 

When you open up your fists, the ones that have been closed for so long you've forgotten what it feels like to be free, then it happens. 

You learn to let go. 

You learn to ride the waves, instead of trying to control them. 

My friends I am speaking to myself but also speaking to you. 

Open up your hands to the God of love, the God of peace, and the God who has plans for you. 

The storm may pick back up, but catch you breath and let go. For you only have each passing moment to make this life beautiful. It's too short to live with gritted-teeth and clenched-fists. 

Open up your heart, and find peace. 

I'm still sitting in my bedroom alone. 

I haven't had a grand revelation on how to solve my problems and conquer the doubt and fear, but I opened up my hands, and I let the worry go. 

The whole world doesn't know I caught my breath, and I definitely don't have it all together now. 

But this I know to be true, is that my God loves me, and He loves you. He wants good for me and everyone else. Hold fast to that.   

Let all you do be done in love,

jacyrayn

unplanned roads

To sit here and type out the words "I'm great!" in a tiny chat box and hit the blue arrow to make you think I was just dandy would be just as much as a lie as to say I'm a millionaire. 

To tell you my life was more clear than than crystal and I know exactly what I'm doing would cause me to be a very bad liar. 

The truth is my dear readers:

My life is completely and utterly foggy. 

There's nothing terribly wrong with me, I'm not going through a life crisis. I have a wonderful family and friends, I'm getting ready to embark on a new adventure (moving!) and God is still my king.

But honestly, I can't see one day in front of today. 

I can't see myself tomorrow, acing my science test. 

I can't see myself a week from now, perfectly preforming my dance routine

I can't see myself a month from now, packing my life into brown paper boxes

I can't see my self in the next years, growing older and chasing dreams my dreams.

I try to fathom it and it seem so far away that I can hardly handle thinking about the next five minutes, and I get afraid that worried so much about the future that I am slowly tick-ticking away my present. 

My dears I think as we grow older we come to a point in time where we feel the pressure pushing hard on us from our family, friends, and society that we have to have a "5 year plan of success" after high school and we have to know where we're going to be. They expect us to have a map of our life and to know just exactly what we'll be doing. 

We get so caught with pushing ourselves further and further forward and planning the next moments that we forgot to cherish the journey here. We forgot that our own plans could turn upside down in a single moment.

"Come now, you who say, 'Today or tomorrow we will go into such and such a town and spend a year there and trade and make a profit'- yet you do not know what tomorrow will bring. What is your life? For you are a mist that appears for a little time and then vanishes. Instead you ought to say, “If the Lord wills, we will live and do this or that.” -James 14:13-15 ESV

I'm not saying don't have dreams and don't chase them. I'm not saying don't plan a little bit. Our lives would be even more a disaster if we didn't plan for daily life. But instead of planning for the life you're going to live when you reach your goal,and spending your life planning the next moments, live your life now, and on the journey to where you're going! Live in the current moments instead of trying to control what happens next.

---

 Today may be the very last day you ever draw a breathe. 

Did you take the time to tell everyone that you loved them and did you enjoy the simplistic moments?

Did you take even a moment to acknowledge that your Creator, who is so in love with you, wants to be by your side every minute of every hour and created all the earths and the heavens simply for you to exist and see the splendor of them out of his love? 

Did you see the moments and live in them as they passed you by? Or did you let them go holding on to a moment that has yet to exists?

I am trying to learn to live more simply, and stop worrying about my days and count my breath each as a blessing. 

Live in the moments around and see the beauty god has hidden for you to find. There is great love all around you, and blessing for those who look for them. 

'How rare, and beautiful, it is to even exist'

See the love my friends, and grasp it,

-JacyRayn

fighting our battles

{P.S. I'm not dead!}

There I was: ice cream pouring down my hand in what felt like slow motion as my eyes were glued to the screen in my mom's typical white mini van. I was captivated by Narnia, the movie I had seen a thousand times over but this time, held meaning for me. This time, I saw something I had never seen before, and the tears were unknowingly rolling down my face.

Peter, the eldest boy of the Pevensie family, heard wolves. 

Aslan and His men were standing right beside Peter the whole time, and Peter had just been taught that he needed to fight with his new found courage.

So then, the wolves came.

Peter quickly rushed into the woods, the army right behind him, sword drawn and ready for battle.  As he goes to fight, Aslan does something incredible. He holds back His army and says "keep your weapons, this is Peter's battle."

The king and his army were right there, watching His every move. Aslan had even put down one of the wolves for him, but still He held back and let him fight his own battle to learn a lesson.

Now that I've rambled on about Narnia, what does this mean? 

I saw the movie when I watched the scene, but at the same time, I saw me.

I was looking face to face with my own life. 

I'm sitting there holding my sword looking at my life battles and trying to fight them, but sometimes I falter. Sometimes I get overwhelmed; my sword feels heavy and my feet are tired and I don't feel like I can quite push on. I feel alone in my constant struggles and battles. It feels like wolves, my struggles, just might overcome me. I feel like one misstep and I will lose, the wolf will win, and I'll be lost. 

But what I don't see, is my mighty lion of Judah, King Jesus, standing right behind me with an army of angels watching out for me. Even typing those words brings so much hope to my bones. 

The fact that there is a God who is right there all the time, waiting to fight for me anytime the battle gets to hot is so relieving.

In that though I have to trust through the hard times. I have to realize that a rough patch could be God letting me fend for myself do that I can grow stronger and keep in touch with my faith! 

Hold that close to your heart, dears.

Your Creator is there ready to fight your every battle when you can't seem to move on.

When you can't seem to hold on, He'll pick up and fight for you.

When you feel like you're falling apart, He will hold you together.

I love you guys.

-jacyrayn xo

seasons of change

change, changing, changed.

A junior in high school and those three simple words in different forms still seem foreign.

They crawl around the back of my mind, pulling on the what ifs. 

I push off the thoughts and cling to what I know, but I know that the change, the impact, is coming for me. 

"I don't want to move to Georgia"

"I don't want to quit dance"

"I'm not ready to grow up and have relationships"

"I don't want to leave my friends"

All this change, these possible life moments and unknowns looming around my conscious.

When did I tie my own wings to the ground and say I wasn't allowed to fly further than the leash I put around my own neck?

Fearful of the grass I can't see because I limited myself to a four by four patch.

I put up a wall around my heart, my 'comfort zone' wall. It's filled with the same places, faces, and smells. It hardly ever changes and if there's a bump, I jump over it and keep going.

When I reach the wall I silently note, 'no need to go further, JacyRayn, you are doing just fine right here'.

So I don't.

I stay right there in the same place around the same people in the same places.

---

What I never noted though, was with this exile of change in my life, my heart grows cold and numb. It can no longer help the new people who need the warmth and love of Jesus to fill their holes to the very brim. The wall does not allow for me to overflow on to bare soil and wait for the new to grow.

When you limit yourself to the same grass, it stops growing eventually, and withers.

"There is a time for everything,
    and a season for every activity under the heavens:
    a time to be born and a time to die,
    a time to plant and a time to uproot,
    a time to kill and a time to heal,
    a time to tear down and a time to build,
    a time to weep and a time to laugh,
    a time to mourn and a time to dance,
    a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
    a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
    a time to search and a time to give up,
    a time to keep and a time to throw away,
    a time to tear and a time to mend,
    a time to be silent and a time to speak,
    a time to love and a time to hate,
    a time for war and a time for peace.

He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end. "  

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8;11

There's a reason that the farmer moves his cows and horses from one field to another.

It's not because he wants them to be shocked by the change of atmosphere or because he just feels that they got too comfortable in the other one; it's because he's taking care of them and wants them to be well fed. He cares about their well being! 

God does not bring change out of hate or 'because He feels like it', He does it out of love, my friends. 

I am learning that while change can be unnerving and reckless, when you take yourself off the lead rope you receive freedom. Freedom comes with responsibilities, but wouldn't you rather be free to experience life from every point aside from just one? 

Keep your love, amigos.

-jr xx

AESTHETIC BAEGELS ASK #JALIYAH

HELLO DEARS.

I apologize for the lack of posts. There has been so much (which will soon be revealed!) that has been going on!

For those of you who know, Aaliyah from Growing In His Image came over to my house for the first time! We went and volunteered with Help One Now* and the One Squad** at Sadie Robertson's Live Original tour!

It was amazing! We even got to go backstage and talk to some of the people.

(*You can find out about Help One Now's awesome ministries here **and One Squad here)

Moving forward, before Aaliyah had to return to her far off home (in the town of way out in the middle of nowhere) we decided to ask for some questions from a group chat of bloggers she is apart of! Granted, it basically turned into Grace Anne's questionnaire, we still had a ton of (sleep deprived) fun!   

I won't say much, except for that I'm a messy noodle eater and we both lacked sleep and coffee.

-JacyRayn xx

yes, don't judge, there's two parts.

also, a little side note: we were so tired we didn't realize that the key we sang in was TERRIBLE and I usually don't sing alto guys. OK THAT'S IT.  MUCH LOVE.

i am not my sin

---

days and days and days go by.

they pass me up

like i'm sitting still

like i'm running out of time

the curtains in my room stay closed

just like the ones around my heart

but don't tell me that, for i'm afraid of the dark 

it crept in without me knowing

now you know, it's showing

it breaks through these walls

i'm afraid i can no longer stand tall

it still feels like i'm being consumed 

oh why does it have to loom 

all these people lean on me 

for they think that i can see

when really i'm no better than them

trapped alone in my sin 

but yesterday 

---

but eighteen yesterdays ago

i decided to open up the window

as soon as i did the breeze came through

and in it i felt you

i felt you surround me in grace

the darkness couldn't stay in place

it fled my heart that fell apart

you picked it up and healed the spark

tended to my open wounds

covered up the unexcused 

---

so now you see these days go by

but i'm not running out of time

the curtains stay open

the light comes in

i am not my sin 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Hello to all my beautiful people! I promise a real post is coming soon. This is just one of those random things that you don't really want to post but end up posting anyway. If you've forgotten, here's your reminder that YOU ARE NOT WHAT YOU'VE DONE! You are worth it and you are going to get through today, not just tomorrow. You can live today instead of hoping for a better tomorrow! Today is the day to open up the window and let the light in. Don't collect dust and darkness, my friends. I hope you drew something from this random poetry.

-JacyRayn xx

the veil is torn

I feel like I've been holding out for something.

It's like I've been giving the okay to fly but someone hasn't cut the rope off my wings.

I'm so close to the top of the mountain but I can't seem to take the last steps.

***

These past few days I've really been struggling with self-doubt, majorly. I feel like that my whole life is on the backburner to everyone. I'm screaming and cheering my hardest for the team but they're only paying attention to the other fans, who in my eyes aren't even trying as hard as I am. I know that sounds conceited but it's just how my heart has felt.

I feel...left out
.

I feel like I'm in a dry, desolate wasteland and I'm just begging for God to pour out a river.

But in my struggle, I read some words that even though was just a drop of water, eased my longing soul.

"...Whenever we go through a dark time, we tend to focus more on the problem we're facing instead of the God we're following. When this happens, we risk missing the blessing God has planned for us on the other side of a trial..."

Oh how quickly I do this!

Oh, how fickle my heart is, how weak and weary it is. So fast I turn and fall to my knees at the sight of my problems and unanswered questions. My thoughts wander to how imperfect I am, to how I could be doing so much more but I'm not. How I could be better than my flesh but I still fight the same difficulties over and over.

My soul is restless.

"Come to me, all who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest."  Matthew 11:28

In my restlessness, there is peace.

If you've ever thought about a seed when it grows, it starts out covered by dirt, under pressure, in darkness.

Alone, in a shell too small, feeling for something more than the quiet dark, that consumes thoughts.

Longing for the sunshine, about to crack.

Aren't we the same way?

My dear friends, I have forgotten that even though I know there is sunshine and warmth on the other side of the cold dirt, I have been consumed by my own selfish problems.

I have forgotten that God is a mercy God, He is my Abba, and I am His child no matter what comes against me!

So in my self-doubt, I have realized two simple things.

I am not good enough.

I will never be good enough. I will never be strong enough to carry my own problems. I will never have the ability to walk life with joy by myself.

God is good enough.

Jesus died for us. We are not good enough but He was the perfect exchange. His blameless life for my dirty, torn one. He wants my restless soul. He wants to wrap me in His arms and hold me and give me peace. He holds His hand out, patiently waiting for us to grab it when we take the veil off of our face and stop hiding behind our imperfection, and let him clean our face.

I tell you, Jesus tore the veil.

His last dying breath on Earth was the one the gave His spirit back up and tore the temple veil.

It shook the land and split the rocks.

It wasn't pretty.

So when you allow God to tear your veil, it's not always going to be easy or smooth.

But when the mask is gone, when our veil is torn, we are one with Jesus.

We open the opportunity for him to heal our broken piece, to crack our too-tight shell.

He can start to uncover the dirt and let the light shine through.

We can finally grow and receive peace.

In this, I urge you to ask God to tear your veil, and crack your shell.

You can receive peace.

with love,

JR xx 

RUN THE RACE - ABBIE GUEST POST

  Hi my dear readers!

Today on the blog I have one of my favorite blogging friends and a extremely talented writer, musician, fairy squad mother, and basically the queen of multi-talents, give it up for Abbie!

Thank you again for making this possible Abbs!

If you're not already following her, drop everything and go do it. Then you may come back.

I'm so delighted that she agreed to post for me this month! She's about to blow your mind.

Grab your juice box and notepad, kids. Abbie is the real deal.

* * *

THE BIGGEST OF SHOUTOUTS TO JACYRAYN HERE. Let’s give her a round of applause and some waffles. I am so incredibly honored to be taking over Loud And Clear today and sharing some thoughts that have been weighing heavy on my heart lately. :’) Thank you, JacyRayn, for inviting me and being one of the coolest people/bros/Switchfoot groms I know. And thank you, fabulous reader, for casting your eyes upon this post! Muchas hugs and waffles. <3

* * *

I once heard someone say that the air is thin at the summit of Mount Everest. They said that if you were to hike to the very top, you would be struggling to inhale and exhale. It would be like breathing through a straw while running on a treadmill. And something twisted inside of me and I thought, “Man. That must be painful.”

Breathing.

Through a straw.

While running on a treadmill.

When I think about the people who are doing my job better than I am, I feel an aching desire somewhere deep inside of me to do that job better. Just as good as they do it. Better than they do it. I want to be the best. I want to be flawless. I want to be perfect.

So I try to work harder, faster, and with more efficiency. I write more notes, I skim more words, I eat at my desk, I think, “I can squeeze one more hour of work in today.”

Maybe I’ll succeed, for a little while. Maybe I’ll be running a victory lap, maybe I’ll be biting my gold medals, maybe I’ll be singing my national anthem. But then I’ll go back and watch the tape, and see how I fell short of the finish line.

I didn’t quite make it.

I didn’t win.

I’m not a champion.

Because I’m not perfect.

I watch the others run for the gold medal and something twists inside of me and I think, “Man. That must be painful.”

Dancing around in the winner’s circle isn’t painful.

Disqualifying yourself for no reason is.

You should be perfect, says the judge in my head. She slams her gavel and shrugs her shoulders and says it like it is. You should be perfect.

But I’m not.

I’ve tried to be.

I’ve failed to be.

I’ve torn up the insides of my mind with a tornado of should haves and could haves.

I’ve witnessed the wreckage.

Crying.

Fighting.

Flying.

Repeating.

Breathing.

Through a straw.

While running on a treadmill.

But that judge in my mind is just an imposter. She’s there to blind me and brainwash my jury of self-depreciating thoughts. She’s there to white-out the evidence more obvious than the sun in the sky:

I am perfect.

But not because I crossed the finish line.

I am perfect because there’s a force living inside of me. The remnants of a supernova. A nursery of new stars and nebulae. A place where explosions will happen. A place where galaxies will be born. A place that a telescope will take its aim at one day, snap a picture, and leave scientists in their tiny universities slack-jawed with amazement.

I am not perfect because of what I do.

I am perfect because of who I am.

That’s the kind of perfection God writes poems about, late at night, when you’re asleep.

Because he can’t wait for you to wake up.

To open your eyes.

To breathe in the new day.

To run a race.

A race with no finish line.

* * *

Guys, let us all acknowledge how Abbie just slammed my heart.

I hope you felt as moved by that as I did.

If you did, leave a comment supporting her and go check out her blog!

I still can't thank you enough for taking over the mic (and the dropping it) today!

Readers, lets hear what you think!

mucho amor,

JacyRayn xx

P.S. What do you guys think about me making more headers for post like the one above?!

Let me know!