BREATHER

you took a little piece of me

i bet you've forgotten you have it

tucked away in a book with a dog-eared page

that piece of my heart sat

but then you packed all your books away

you sealed the top tight

away went that piece of my heart

yet i stayed quiet

i figured out i dont need that piece

to be whole is to give it all away

yet hope some day you'll lend me that book

so that i can see you still kept it

that little piece of my heart

that i'll never forget





here's some random poetry i wrote on the spot about some random heart feelings. i took a breather! (if you hadn't already noticed my absence) i was quite overwhelmed with life for a few months! i hope you'll forgive me and understand. lots of crazy good and just plain crazy things happening in life right now! i got accepted to COLLEGE! Whaaa?! I graduate highschool in three months!! Super crazy, guys. I've also been working on my first NOVEL. My eldest brother moved out. There is so much going on y'all! i have much love for you guys! i'm back on the blogtrain. (choo choo!) exciting news coming soon! stay tuned.

-jr

overwhelmed

"And then through darkness, there came a light" 

Sometimes it's not certain place that break through happens. It doesn't have to be a church, a concert, or in a room full of people. 

Sometimes you're all alone. 

You've poured your heart out over and over again in the creases of the worn notebook and it's off-white paper; but you pick up the pen with the faded ink anyway, and you continue to write until your hand is numb. You cry out. 

And then, you're heard. 

No, not something audible you hear, but rather, your plea to God when the stress of overwhelming you, is more than just acknowledged, it's heard.  

It's not an 3-minute instant microwave miracle, but rather, a moment of peace. A single second where you feel as if something, someone, is wrapping their arms around you. 

You feel like you've come out on top of the waves for a solid minute and you can catch your breathe. 

The storm isn't over and the waters are still raging, but just that moment of peace, the one that comes the second you decide to wholly devote yourself to the Way-Maker, the Calmer of storms, can give you the strength you need to pick up and carry on. 

To conquer the waves you must first learn to stop fighting, and let God fight. Let yourself go in over your head. 

When you war with your own strength, you're destined to fail and choke. 

When you open up your fists, the ones that have been closed for so long you've forgotten what it feels like to be free, then it happens. 

You learn to let go. 

You learn to ride the waves, instead of trying to control them. 

You stop swimming against the water, but letting them carry you. 

My friends I am speaking to myself but also speaking to you. 

Open up your hands to the God of love, the God of peace, and the God who has plans for you. 

The storm may pick back up, but catch you breath and let go. For you only have each passing moment to make this life beautiful. It's too short to live with gritted-teeth and clenched-fists. 

Open up your heart, and find peace. 

I'm still sitting in my bedroom alone. 

I haven't had a grand revelation on how to solve my problems and conquer the doubt and fear, but I opened up my hands, and I let the worry go. 

The whole world doesn't know I caught my breath, and I definitely don't have it all together now. 

But I know to be true, that my God loves me, and He loves you. He wants good for you and everyone else. Hold fast to that.   

Let all you do be done in love,

jacyrayn xx

he holds me

i woke up with voices in my head

telling me to go back to sleep

telling me i wasn't worth the fight

telling me i was falling to pieces

'you're never going to be any better than you are now' they said

'you're too far gone for Him to make anything out of you' they said 

but when i figured out 

that they were just voices in my head 

i heard you said 

'i have you in the palms of My hands' 

catch your breath

"And then through darkness, there came a light" 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Sometimes it's not certain place that break through happens. It doesn't have to be a church, a concert, or in a room full of people. 

Sometimes you're all alone. 

You've poured your heart out over and over again in the creases of the worn notebook and it's off-white paper; but you pick up the pen with the faded ink anyway, and you continue to write until your hand is numb. You cry out. 

And then, you're heard. 

It's not an 3-minute instant microwave miracle, but rather, a moment of peace. 

You feel like you've come out on top of the waves for a solid minute and you can catch your breathe. 

The storm isn't over and the waters are still raging but just that moment of peace, the one that comes the second you decide to wholly devote yourself to the Way-Maker, the Calmer of storms, can give you the strength you need to pick up and carry on. 

To conquer the waves you must first learn to stop fighting and let God fight. Let yourself go in over your head. 

When you war with your own strength, you're destined to fail and choke. 

When you open up your fists, the ones that have been closed for so long you've forgotten what it feels like to be free, then it happens. 

You learn to let go. 

You learn to ride the waves, instead of trying to control them. 

My friends I am speaking to myself but also speaking to you. 

Open up your hands to the God of love, the God of peace, and the God who has plans for you. 

The storm may pick back up, but catch you breath and let go. For you only have each passing moment to make this life beautiful. It's too short to live with gritted-teeth and clenched-fists. 

Open up your heart, and find peace. 

I'm still sitting in my bedroom alone. 

I haven't had a grand revelation on how to solve my problems and conquer the doubt and fear, but I opened up my hands, and I let the worry go. 

The whole world doesn't know I caught my breath, and I definitely don't have it all together now. 

But this I know to be true, is that my God loves me, and He loves you. He wants good for me and everyone else. Hold fast to that.   

Let all you do be done in love,

jacyrayn

unplanned roads

To sit here and type out the words "I'm great!" in a tiny chat box and hit the blue arrow to make you think I was just dandy would be just as much as a lie as to say I'm a millionaire. 

To tell you my life was more clear than than crystal and I know exactly what I'm doing would cause me to be a very bad liar. 

The truth is my dear readers:

My life is completely and utterly foggy. 

There's nothing terribly wrong with me, I'm not going through a life crisis. I have a wonderful family and friends, I'm getting ready to embark on a new adventure (moving!) and God is still my king.

But honestly, I can't see one day in front of today. 

I can't see myself tomorrow, acing my science test. 

I can't see myself a week from now, perfectly preforming my dance routine

I can't see myself a month from now, packing my life into brown paper boxes

I can't see my self in the next years, growing older and chasing dreams my dreams.

I try to fathom it and it seem so far away that I can hardly handle thinking about the next five minutes, and I get afraid that worried so much about the future that I am slowly tick-ticking away my present. 

My dears I think as we grow older we come to a point in time where we feel the pressure pushing hard on us from our family, friends, and society that we have to have a "5 year plan of success" after high school and we have to know where we're going to be. They expect us to have a map of our life and to know just exactly what we'll be doing. 

We get so caught with pushing ourselves further and further forward and planning the next moments that we forgot to cherish the journey here. We forgot that our own plans could turn upside down in a single moment.

"Come now, you who say, 'Today or tomorrow we will go into such and such a town and spend a year there and trade and make a profit'- yet you do not know what tomorrow will bring. What is your life? For you are a mist that appears for a little time and then vanishes. Instead you ought to say, “If the Lord wills, we will live and do this or that.” -James 14:13-15 ESV

I'm not saying don't have dreams and don't chase them. I'm not saying don't plan a little bit. Our lives would be even more a disaster if we didn't plan for daily life. But instead of planning for the life you're going to live when you reach your goal,and spending your life planning the next moments, live your life now, and on the journey to where you're going! Live in the current moments instead of trying to control what happens next.

---

 Today may be the very last day you ever draw a breathe. 

Did you take the time to tell everyone that you loved them and did you enjoy the simplistic moments?

Did you take even a moment to acknowledge that your Creator, who is so in love with you, wants to be by your side every minute of every hour and created all the earths and the heavens simply for you to exist and see the splendor of them out of his love? 

Did you see the moments and live in them as they passed you by? Or did you let them go holding on to a moment that has yet to exists?

I am trying to learn to live more simply, and stop worrying about my days and count my breath each as a blessing. 

Live in the moments around and see the beauty god has hidden for you to find. There is great love all around you, and blessing for those who look for them. 

'How rare, and beautiful, it is to even exist'

See the love my friends, and grasp it,

-JacyRayn

i am not my sin

---

days and days and days go by.

they pass me up

like i'm sitting still

like i'm running out of time

the curtains in my room stay closed

just like the ones around my heart

but don't tell me that, for i'm afraid of the dark 

it crept in without me knowing

now you know, it's showing

it breaks through these walls

i'm afraid i can no longer stand tall

it still feels like i'm being consumed 

oh why does it have to loom 

all these people lean on me 

for they think that i can see

when really i'm no better than them

trapped alone in my sin 

but yesterday 

---

but eighteen yesterdays ago

i decided to open up the window

as soon as i did the breeze came through

and in it i felt you

i felt you surround me in grace

the darkness couldn't stay in place

it fled my heart that fell apart

you picked it up and healed the spark

tended to my open wounds

covered up the unexcused 

---

so now you see these days go by

but i'm not running out of time

the curtains stay open

the light comes in

i am not my sin 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Hello to all my beautiful people! I promise a real post is coming soon. This is just one of those random things that you don't really want to post but end up posting anyway. If you've forgotten, here's your reminder that YOU ARE NOT WHAT YOU'VE DONE! You are worth it and you are going to get through today, not just tomorrow. You can live today instead of hoping for a better tomorrow! Today is the day to open up the window and let the light in. Don't collect dust and darkness, my friends. I hope you drew something from this random poetry.

-JacyRayn xx

the veil is torn

I feel like I've been holding out for something.

It's like I've been giving the okay to fly but someone hasn't cut the rope off my wings.

I'm so close to the top of the mountain but I can't seem to take the last steps.

***

These past few days I've really been struggling with self-doubt, majorly. I feel like that my whole life is on the backburner to everyone. I'm screaming and cheering my hardest for the team but they're only paying attention to the other fans, who in my eyes aren't even trying as hard as I am. I know that sounds conceited but it's just how my heart has felt.

I feel...left out
.

I feel like I'm in a dry, desolate wasteland and I'm just begging for God to pour out a river.

But in my struggle, I read some words that even though was just a drop of water, eased my longing soul.

"...Whenever we go through a dark time, we tend to focus more on the problem we're facing instead of the God we're following. When this happens, we risk missing the blessing God has planned for us on the other side of a trial..."

Oh how quickly I do this!

Oh, how fickle my heart is, how weak and weary it is. So fast I turn and fall to my knees at the sight of my problems and unanswered questions. My thoughts wander to how imperfect I am, to how I could be doing so much more but I'm not. How I could be better than my flesh but I still fight the same difficulties over and over.

My soul is restless.

"Come to me, all who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest."  Matthew 11:28

In my restlessness, there is peace.

If you've ever thought about a seed when it grows, it starts out covered by dirt, under pressure, in darkness.

Alone, in a shell too small, feeling for something more than the quiet dark, that consumes thoughts.

Longing for the sunshine, about to crack.

Aren't we the same way?

My dear friends, I have forgotten that even though I know there is sunshine and warmth on the other side of the cold dirt, I have been consumed by my own selfish problems.

I have forgotten that God is a mercy God, He is my Abba, and I am His child no matter what comes against me!

So in my self-doubt, I have realized two simple things.

I am not good enough.

I will never be good enough. I will never be strong enough to carry my own problems. I will never have the ability to walk life with joy by myself.

God is good enough.

Jesus died for us. We are not good enough but He was the perfect exchange. His blameless life for my dirty, torn one. He wants my restless soul. He wants to wrap me in His arms and hold me and give me peace. He holds His hand out, patiently waiting for us to grab it when we take the veil off of our face and stop hiding behind our imperfection, and let him clean our face.

I tell you, Jesus tore the veil.

His last dying breath on Earth was the one the gave His spirit back up and tore the temple veil.

It shook the land and split the rocks.

It wasn't pretty.

So when you allow God to tear your veil, it's not always going to be easy or smooth.

But when the mask is gone, when our veil is torn, we are one with Jesus.

We open the opportunity for him to heal our broken piece, to crack our too-tight shell.

He can start to uncover the dirt and let the light shine through.

We can finally grow and receive peace.

In this, I urge you to ask God to tear your veil, and crack your shell.

You can receive peace.

with love,

JR xx 

RUN THE RACE - ABBIE GUEST POST

  Hi my dear readers!

Today on the blog I have one of my favorite blogging friends and a extremely talented writer, musician, fairy squad mother, and basically the queen of multi-talents, give it up for Abbie!

Thank you again for making this possible Abbs!

If you're not already following her, drop everything and go do it. Then you may come back.

I'm so delighted that she agreed to post for me this month! She's about to blow your mind.

Grab your juice box and notepad, kids. Abbie is the real deal.

* * *

THE BIGGEST OF SHOUTOUTS TO JACYRAYN HERE. Let’s give her a round of applause and some waffles. I am so incredibly honored to be taking over Loud And Clear today and sharing some thoughts that have been weighing heavy on my heart lately. :’) Thank you, JacyRayn, for inviting me and being one of the coolest people/bros/Switchfoot groms I know. And thank you, fabulous reader, for casting your eyes upon this post! Muchas hugs and waffles. <3

* * *

I once heard someone say that the air is thin at the summit of Mount Everest. They said that if you were to hike to the very top, you would be struggling to inhale and exhale. It would be like breathing through a straw while running on a treadmill. And something twisted inside of me and I thought, “Man. That must be painful.”

Breathing.

Through a straw.

While running on a treadmill.

When I think about the people who are doing my job better than I am, I feel an aching desire somewhere deep inside of me to do that job better. Just as good as they do it. Better than they do it. I want to be the best. I want to be flawless. I want to be perfect.

So I try to work harder, faster, and with more efficiency. I write more notes, I skim more words, I eat at my desk, I think, “I can squeeze one more hour of work in today.”

Maybe I’ll succeed, for a little while. Maybe I’ll be running a victory lap, maybe I’ll be biting my gold medals, maybe I’ll be singing my national anthem. But then I’ll go back and watch the tape, and see how I fell short of the finish line.

I didn’t quite make it.

I didn’t win.

I’m not a champion.

Because I’m not perfect.

I watch the others run for the gold medal and something twists inside of me and I think, “Man. That must be painful.”

Dancing around in the winner’s circle isn’t painful.

Disqualifying yourself for no reason is.

You should be perfect, says the judge in my head. She slams her gavel and shrugs her shoulders and says it like it is. You should be perfect.

But I’m not.

I’ve tried to be.

I’ve failed to be.

I’ve torn up the insides of my mind with a tornado of should haves and could haves.

I’ve witnessed the wreckage.

Crying.

Fighting.

Flying.

Repeating.

Breathing.

Through a straw.

While running on a treadmill.

But that judge in my mind is just an imposter. She’s there to blind me and brainwash my jury of self-depreciating thoughts. She’s there to white-out the evidence more obvious than the sun in the sky:

I am perfect.

But not because I crossed the finish line.

I am perfect because there’s a force living inside of me. The remnants of a supernova. A nursery of new stars and nebulae. A place where explosions will happen. A place where galaxies will be born. A place that a telescope will take its aim at one day, snap a picture, and leave scientists in their tiny universities slack-jawed with amazement.

I am not perfect because of what I do.

I am perfect because of who I am.

That’s the kind of perfection God writes poems about, late at night, when you’re asleep.

Because he can’t wait for you to wake up.

To open your eyes.

To breathe in the new day.

To run a race.

A race with no finish line.

* * *

Guys, let us all acknowledge how Abbie just slammed my heart.

I hope you felt as moved by that as I did.

If you did, leave a comment supporting her and go check out her blog!

I still can't thank you enough for taking over the mic (and the dropping it) today!

Readers, lets hear what you think!

mucho amor,

JacyRayn xx

P.S. What do you guys think about me making more headers for post like the one above?!

Let me know!

BURNING YOUTH LAUNCH

This is it.

This is where I explain all the hype that my blog friends and I have been building up.

Flash-back to about a month ago, I was thrown into a group chat with some of my friends.

(Kate, Abbie, and Aaliyah)

Friendly conversation was going when all of the sudden, Kate and Abbie decided to ask me to join them in pursuit of a idea. But little did they know, that it would be more than an idea.

BURNING YOUTH is a movement.

It's a safe-place..

It's the generation who is going to rise up, and fight the darkness.

A group of young adults differing in age, walks of life, and different parts of the world, but we all have one similar goal:

to spread hope where there is none.

So what is this, exactly?

It's a website where you can go and get built up.

It's a place where you can find joy.

It's somewhere you can live and thrive without a mask.

It's a collection of art, slam poetry, encouraging posts, and photography all just to say

you aren't alone.

Even more than that, it's a place where we are in this together.

Let me just say it in short that this is going to bigger than all of us and that lives are going to be changed! The Lord is moving in mighty ways and this is going to be a candle in a dark room.

We are all called to be blazing flames in the darkness.

We are called to be BURNING YOUTH.

So, you guys definitely need to go check out the page!
Myself and some rad other individuals will be contributing and we want to hear from you!
Go give it a follow and stay posted!
Thank you guys for all the support you always give!

Keep your head up and stay alive, friends.

much love.

-JacyRayn

things are closer than they appear

--------------------------------

I looked into the rear-view mirror of my brother's beat up cavalier.

"objects in mirror are closer than they appear"

That seemed all too real to me.

Let me rewind a bit.

My baby sister was outside with all my brothers just playing and laughing like normal on the sunny day.
They had just gotten out of the pool and were air drying by running around with my grandma's 8-year-old dog who is still, despite his growing age, rambunctious.

Only moments later in the picture-esq scene did things go awry.

In a flash he jumped up in anger and bit my helpless sister.
His teeth ripped a hole in the side of her face and claw marks on her once perfectly plump cheeks.

Before I write more, Aliyah is okay and just as sassy as ever.

My uncle and grandma ran outside in haste and rushed her to the ER.
Soon after giving her some medicine, they sent her on to a bigger hospital to have surgery.

Two-years of age and she has to have stitches all over the right side of her face and her forehead.

Why her?

After pacing the floor nearly all day, that evening I finally get the call that she made it through
surgery well and they expect a fully recovery. 

I felt like I could finally breathe again and I wasn't carrying as heavy a load on my back.
My heart ached to hold my little being close to my chest and not let go.
Just the night before she had kissed me on my forehead and told me she loved me for the first time. 

Yet still, I felt like a piece of my soul was not intact.

The one little thing that completely altered my whole day, my whole life, snapped something in me. It brought out emotions I didn't even know could be felt. I wasn't aware that someone so tiny could  have such a tremendous influence on my feelings. But after all this was over and she was home snuggling me to death, something still didn't sit right. I felt like I was still missing a piece of information, like I wasn't told the whole story.

And then, I had a relization that changed my whole mind set.

"my whole life is closer than appears"

Right there.

I had an anomaly that my whole world was only held up by one small finger and could be blown away in a single breathe.

In the bat of an eyelash my whole life could be eternally changed for the better or for the worse.

So what did I get from this?

That my life is much closer than it seems.

Too often I find myself waiting around for life to happen or pushing off spur of the moment ideas.

I want to jump in the freeing pool of unknown and know that I am alive and that I am breathing.

I want to feel the blazing sun against my cheeks to feel the light in my bones.

Life is short, I want to live it well.

I'm not gonna play it safe any more.

Mediocrity has come and I have decided to show it the door, for the King is coming and He's calling for the ones who will do something extraordinary.

Do you ever just get tired of being who you are? Don't you feel like you could do more?

Maybe that's too much for you.

But Jesus didn't say to take it slow and safe.

--------------------------------

That being said, new things are coming! Keep an eye out for a very important post on Saturday!

Much love for you people,

JacyRayn xx

REAL EYES

consumed.

no, it wasn't how i felt but how she felt.

i could see it in her eyes.

she didn't have to say anything but you don't have to if you know someone's eyes the way I knew hers

she could never speak another word and her eyes would tell me all

they no longer sparkled but were consumed by something of a wrong choice

not something she wanted but something she felt she needed

she thought that it didn't matter because she would only be consumed more


"hold on", i said
"i'm slipping", said her eyes


i didn't want her to fall but she fell

she fell long and hard but she fell into grace

and even thought she didn't see it when she fell, she felt the grace surround her and bubble up in her throat

forgiveness.
that's what she felt.

and the sparkle came back and she danced her dance again

although she never said anything, you could see it in her eyes that everything would be alright.

falling up

Every time my eyes hit the clear-blue water, I saw little kids running and splashing in the shallows. Yet almost all of them while being watched with a steady, careful eye of an adult were wearing life vests & floaties. So why, I ask, if we're in the shallowest part of the pool and you're watching, would they need a floatie?

As a safety-net, popped in my head.

So that if you happened to be distracted for a but a millisecond too long and couldn't see your beloved fall down fast enough to pick them up, they would bob right back up to the top of the water, disoriented, but unharmed. 

And that's exactly what I think is wrong.

We are so afraid to fall that we surround ourselves so nothing can go wrong.

We build our castle tall, complete with a unbreakable fortress and equipped with an army, but we forget who we serve.

You see, we serve a God who breaks unbreakable walls down. The one who wants us to trust Him so much that He is willing to crumble everything around just so we have nothing left but to trust.

We say it's not trust we lack, no, it's the world that's a harsh and bitter place, we're only protecting ourselves. 

We weave the net of safety around ourselves. If we happen to fall, we fall into our what seemed perfect, but always unfinished net. Instead of falling in the arms of the Almighty and letting Him stand us up, we struggle to get out of the holes we thought we filled in our net that we oh-so-selfishly weaved.

But maybe this is too real for you; maybe I'm reckless and naive. 

Maybe you say that you wanna trust fully but you aren't quite ready.

I thought I was strong by myself and God made me stronger.

But then, I fell. 

I fell into that net like I had so many times before. It only caused me to struggle. I said "God. why, if you love me so much would you let me fall and not catch me!?"

I didn't realize that I had only stopped Him from catching me.

I wove the net and thought that I was strong enough to push myself back.

When I finally got out, I had a fleeting thought. It happened to be there just long enough for me to grasp it; "What if I fell into God?"

What if I laid myself down and fell not down, but up? 

What if I made myself so vulnerable and raw that I didn't weave the net?

I didn't go about stringing the ropes together and leaving holes.

I didn't have assurance that if I fell I would have a plan B.

So that's what I did. I put certainty in knowing that my God loves me enough to lift up His hand and catch me.

Time came around, and I fell again.

But this time was different. 

Somehow I knew that it was okay to fall because when I landed, it wasn't a struggle to get up. 

It wasn't graceful but I could feel the grace.

I didn't want to fall but I realized that it made my trust in God stronger and it opened up the door for me to help other people believe more.

Psalm 37:23-24 

"The LORD directs the steps of the godly. He delights in every detail of their lives. Though they stumble, they will never fall, for the LORD holds them by the hand."

All you have to do is trust.

In a world that's so easy to fall into, trust in God. 

It's not easy, but it's freeing.

These are strong words, but they come with much love,

jr

P.S. What do you guys think of a Q & A? If you're for it, leave some questions below!