the veil is torn

I feel like I've been holding out for something.

It's like I've been giving the okay to fly but someone hasn't cut the rope off my wings.

I'm so close to the top of the mountain but I can't seem to take the last steps.

***

These past few days I've really been struggling with self-doubt, majorly. I feel like that my whole life is on the backburner to everyone. I'm screaming and cheering my hardest for the team but they're only paying attention to the other fans, who in my eyes aren't even trying as hard as I am. I know that sounds conceited but it's just how my heart has felt.

I feel...left out
.

I feel like I'm in a dry, desolate wasteland and I'm just begging for God to pour out a river.

But in my struggle, I read some words that even though was just a drop of water, eased my longing soul.

"...Whenever we go through a dark time, we tend to focus more on the problem we're facing instead of the God we're following. When this happens, we risk missing the blessing God has planned for us on the other side of a trial..."

Oh how quickly I do this!

Oh, how fickle my heart is, how weak and weary it is. So fast I turn and fall to my knees at the sight of my problems and unanswered questions. My thoughts wander to how imperfect I am, to how I could be doing so much more but I'm not. How I could be better than my flesh but I still fight the same difficulties over and over.

My soul is restless.

"Come to me, all who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest."  Matthew 11:28

In my restlessness, there is peace.

If you've ever thought about a seed when it grows, it starts out covered by dirt, under pressure, in darkness.

Alone, in a shell too small, feeling for something more than the quiet dark, that consumes thoughts.

Longing for the sunshine, about to crack.

Aren't we the same way?

My dear friends, I have forgotten that even though I know there is sunshine and warmth on the other side of the cold dirt, I have been consumed by my own selfish problems.

I have forgotten that God is a mercy God, He is my Abba, and I am His child no matter what comes against me!

So in my self-doubt, I have realized two simple things.

I am not good enough.

I will never be good enough. I will never be strong enough to carry my own problems. I will never have the ability to walk life with joy by myself.

God is good enough.

Jesus died for us. We are not good enough but He was the perfect exchange. His blameless life for my dirty, torn one. He wants my restless soul. He wants to wrap me in His arms and hold me and give me peace. He holds His hand out, patiently waiting for us to grab it when we take the veil off of our face and stop hiding behind our imperfection, and let him clean our face.

I tell you, Jesus tore the veil.

His last dying breath on Earth was the one the gave His spirit back up and tore the temple veil.

It shook the land and split the rocks.

It wasn't pretty.

So when you allow God to tear your veil, it's not always going to be easy or smooth.

But when the mask is gone, when our veil is torn, we are one with Jesus.

We open the opportunity for him to heal our broken piece, to crack our too-tight shell.

He can start to uncover the dirt and let the light shine through.

We can finally grow and receive peace.

In this, I urge you to ask God to tear your veil, and crack your shell.

You can receive peace.

with love,

JR xx